The Crowded Cities Guide ® is tongue-in-cheek rip-off of the esteemed and very popular Lonely Planet Travel Guides. The team of editors and journalists that work long hours to produce these publications (me) would like you to know that, although comical, there are some excellent titbits of information for those intending to visit the "Crowded Cities".
May, 2001
New York is an eclectic mix of magnificent
buildings, poorly designed and over polluting cars,
overpriced apartments, trendy nightclubs, awesome deli's,
yellow cabs and their rude and stinky drivers, a growing
market for psychics and epicentre for avante guard fashion.
More known for it world financial influence, New York used
to be the nation's capital for about a year and was
consequently where George Washington was inaugurated.
In the city, roof-garden parties in the sun are in, living
in Brooklyn is not. Walking the streets of Soho and Tribeca
are also in, while hanging out in the Bronx is not.
Rollerblading in Central Park- in. Living on the mainland-
not. New York is chic, spunky and oozing with money. The
place rocks...
...My erudite friend Rhys and I arrived at Newark, Jersey,
(or Joisy if you are a local) on the Friday afternoon. We
had left a sunny and hot London (no, I'm not lying), but
were glad to get away from the daily work stress.
<FYI: There are 3 airports that can be used to get to New
York: JFK, Newark and La Gaurdia, although the latter is
mostly used for domestic flights.>
It was a warm and sunny afternoon. Upon exiting the airport
we could see the Manhattan Skyline in the distance. NYC is
made up of five boroughs: Manhattan, The Bronx, Queens,
Statten Island and Brooklyn. Our destination? Manhattan.
We both gave a wry smile and looked at each other- we both
realised that this wall a cool milestone. America and the
Wall Street thing had been a dream of mine since I first
obtained a passion for money (yep, basically all my life).
It would have been a perfect moment if it wasn't for the
thick cloud of smog that blanketed the city.
We climbed onto the old, silver panelled, Olympia bus and
headed to toward the city. The distance is about 30 miles,
but the notorious city traffic and especially the Lincoln
tunnel will ensure that you see absolutely everything on the
way as you progress at a rate slower than Craig Lewis'
ability to score women.
The journey from Joisy to NYC is a contrasting one to say
the least. Apart from the view of the picturesque Manhattan
skyline, there is nothing beautiful about the Jersey we saw.
In fact, the contrast was almost surreal.
Travelling from Joisy, the landscape is two tiered. The
lower level is the typical city industrial squalor that
usually surrounds a city airport. Dilapidated buildings,
burned-out factories, graffiti and an omnipresent dirtiness.
But all of this was witnessed from our bus, safely seated
high above the poverty on the second level as we traversed
the freeway. The contrast between the extreme wealth that we
were about to encounter in the city and the penury life
below was amazing to say the least.
We arrived at Grand Central at about 8:30pm. As we hopped
off the bus all we could see is buildings and road.
Literally. Dusk had come and had seemingly meshed a dark
roof over all the high rises that surrounded us.
Off we trotted to Erin's- the place where we were to crash
for the weekend. Erin (our host and friend who we had quite
serendipitously met on a flight back from Dublin) lives on
39th Avenue, in between Lex and 3rd Avenue. (Technically it
is the "Lexington" avenue, but if you are a local, as I now
am, you can call it "Lex".)
Unfortunately Erin's apartment was really run down, poorly
decorated and far away from everything- but we managed. For
example, we had to walk 2 whole blocks to get to the Empire
State Building from her place. A full ten minute walk! (Yep,
tongue firmly entrenched in cheek.)
Seriously though, her place was awesome. From her desk she
has a view of the Empire State and some of the Manhattan
skyline that I mentioned earlier. The apartment was
literally in the centre of EVERYTHING in Manhattan. And when
you think about it, that makes it the centre of the world,
because all New Yorkers believe that the world revolves
around their city...So there we were: in the centre of the
world!
Talking about apartments, I have to tell you about the
biggest legitimised scam known to man: renting in NYC. To
get a place you have to pay a so called "commission" (should
be called "the bribe") to the estate agent once they find
you a place to stay. This payment is about 10% of the annual
rent cost (which is exorbitant) and is a once off
non-redeemable charge- in other words they get to put it
straight into their back pocket. This is on top of their
monthly charges they charge the landlord. Can you fricken
believe it? It gets worse too. You also have you pay three
months rent in advance as a deposit. That's almost 6 months
rent cost in advance before you have even started living in
your newly acquired abode. This is just nuts when you bear
in mind Manhattan was founded by the Dutch and supposedly
bought from its Native American inhabitants for about $24
worth of trinkets.
The weekend was made even better with the arrival of a long
lost mate of ours, The-woman-with-500-surnames (aka Leah),
who is currently living and working in Washington D.C. After
eloping with some soccer legend boy to South America, we
finally managed to catch up with her when she made the
pilgrimage to NYC. (Thanks Erin for letting Leah stay too!)
And just when we thought it couldn't get any better, another
mate living and working in NY, Robs, caught up with us at
The Apartment (a restaurant) for lunch and then later drinks
and a Yankees game. Very cool.
The first night in NY was a little disorientating as we
would normally asleep due to the time zone differential
between London and NY. While out, however, my drowsiness was
countered by new yorker idiosyncrasies: One, the fact that
you tip Cab drivers. Two, that you tip bar staff, "about a
buck a drink". Hello. Is it just me or is this totally
retarded? (Don't answer that.)
Lets explore the tipping rationale:
You tip when you get good service. And the degree of that
tip is commensurate with the quality of service. This is
exemplified by a waiter/waitress who brings your meals and
drinks timeously and without error. How can bar staff and
especially cab drivers provide great service? If the bar
staff were to do a Tom Cruise and whirl the drinks around in
the air, then yep, bring on the tip. But they don't- in fact
you're lucky if they even look at you. As for the Cab
drivers, the only thing I can think of is that you are
paying them money for getting you there alive- despite their
best attempts otherwise.
Things to know about NY Cabbies:
1. They all drive like Mr Magoo - remember the cartoon with
old man who can't see?
2. Cab drivers only use traffic lanes to remind them when
they are allowed to hoot.
3. None of them talk. They are all mute.
4. They all smell like the old crusty cars that they drive.
Anyway, this tipping thing really "did my 'ed in" (Essex
slang for
"bewilderment")...
...The next morning we arose to the ubiquitous cacophony of
jackhammers. This sound permeates the city and like people
who live in the country and wake up to the sound of birds
singing, these mechanical noise polluters are the alarm
clock for New Yorkers.
The day was beautifully sunny so I wore my baggies (South
African for board shorts) and we (Rhys, Leah and myself) all
headed off for the UN headquarters on the East River. I saw
Kofi Annan (known as "The man with no Coffee")
and gave him a "yo, yo" and high five. We chatted a little
about the goings on in the Middle East and decided that
Arafat is a pinhead with very limited power. After the
little interlude, we busted a move up toward some of the
better architecture in the world and part of NYC's claim to
fame: The Chrysler building (in Ghost Busters), Grand
Central (been in heaps of movies) and The Empire State
building were all viewed. The size and design of these
things is just mind-boggling.
Started in January of 1930, The Empire State building was
built at rate of 4.5 stories per week with a total cost of
$41 million. To look at this building and think to yourself
that it was built 70 years ago is nuts, a bit like thinking
of Craig Lewis and Bitchard Hammersbums both scoring on the
SAME night!! Yep, that incredible.
Two interesting facts about the Empire State:
-Mooring Mast: A dirigible (airship/blimp) mast, now the
base of the TV tower, was part of the original construction
of the Building. One attempt to moor a privately owned blimp
was successful for three minutes. But during a second
attempt, in September 1931, a Navy Blimp was almost upended
and nearly swept away celebrities attending the historic
affair, while the water ballast drenched pedestrians several
blocks away. The mooring mast idea was obviously abandoned.
- Bomber Crash: On July 28, 1945, an Army Air Corps B-25
crashed into the Building at the 79th floor level. Damage to
the Building was $1 million but the structural integrity of
the building was not affected.
The Chrysler building, briefly the tallest building in the
world (for about a year), had the entire seven-storey
pinnacle, complete with special-steel facing, first
assembled inside the building, and then hoisted into
position through the roof opening and anchored on top in
just one and a half hours. 7 stories, 90 fricken minutes!
Nuts.
On the way back to Erin's we stopped in at the official
Yankees Shop on Park Avenue and booked some tickets to the
baseball game the following day. It amazing, but
merchandising really does work on tourists. I always been
confused as how they can sell such homogenous products to
such large numbers, but I stand corrected. As I walked into
the shop, I literally wanted to buy everything that had New
York Yankess on it (Everything except the see-through,
edible, g-string underpants- but I did think of getting them
for Craig Lewis, who has proclivity for acquiring such
apparel, so I guess you could say everything).
I was even going to buy a coffee mug from Starbucks that
cost $8.50. Let me state again: Coffee mug - R60. (For my
none South African friends: that is equivalent to two weeks
food when I was back at Varsity in 1998.) Admittedly it was
a big Tony Blair (mug), but never in a million years would I
ever think about making such an irrational purchase
normally. Unless of course I was in the city of the
oversized fruit.
Later that day we headed down to Soho (South of Houston) to
a place called The Apartment for lunch. An unusual
enterprise, it has a layout similar to an actual apartment
with everything in it on sale as it lay. The kitchen,
however, is the restaurant where you can buy a bight to eat.
You get seated in the kitchen part, watch the Chef's cook
for you and then deliver the food. Very interesting way of
doing it. The marketing for this establishment typifies New
York's pretentiousness: upon opening, management hired a
bunch of models to hang around the shop for a couple of
weeks each day. Everything is sooo cosmetic and superficial
in NY, but the good thing about that is that the people know
it and don't have problem with it. The problem only lies
with people who look on in disgust.
After a little walking around trendy Soho (South of Houston)
and Tribeca (Triangle before Canal Street), we then headed
off to The Odean, some bar toward the South Side of
Manhattan. Quintessential Tribeca chic, this casual deco
dining room-cum-bar is one of the biggest draws in the city,
and always has a packed bar populated with Wall Streeters
and gallery owners after work.
Unusual as it is for me to complain about money, I am going
have to force myself to chat about my first round of drinks
at the bar we ended up at that night, The Cherry (say no
more). 1 glass of Red wine, 2 Scotches on Ice. Total bill?
$45. That is about R300. That is more than the monthly rent
I ever paid at university. (yeah, yeah, I know. Okay, now
pick yourself up off the floor and try and read the rest.)
The nightclub was interesting. It reminded me of Sandton in
South Africa- very chic, modern and oozing with money. All
the girls were immaculately kept, dark haired, skinny...and
Jewish (I have no problem with that, but it seems to be
indicative of what echelons of society have the money). All
the guys were tight-shirted, had greased hair...and were
Jewish. I didn't bust-a-move at many clubs while there. In
fact, only one really, so I guess my views aren't indicative
of clubs in NYC.
The decor of the club was quite funny. It had a plethora
mirrors, which seemed to be a good thing for the clientele,
mounted around all of the walls. Kind of funny really. If
Cherries (patrons of club) were standing by themselves, they
were looking at themselves in the mirror. And then, even if
they were talking to someone, they would still look over
their shoulders and stare at themselves in almost rhythmic
fashion. I have never seen more narcissism in such
concentration in my life.
Thank the bill-gates Leah turned up with Robs. Her down to
earth presence managed to counter the pretentiousness that
was starting to make me feel uncomfortable.
Stumble, trip, fall. "oh, hi Leah!". We all started
chuckling. She had had one to many margarita's earlier and
was loving life. (It is important to note here though that
Leah definitely doesn't need drinks to make her fall or bang
into doors.) Her smile covered half her face and we all
started easing up and smiling ourselves.
The next day we headed up to the New York Yankees game in
the Bronx. The game was awesome and the weather again was
splendifco (it sounds Italian, but it isn't). We had
brilliant seats, although somewhat vertical in position, and
managed to learn the game as it went along. Again the sun
was shining so we all became a slightly darker shade- Rhys
and I turning from luminous white to a light pink.
The game is a little slow, but not anymore so than our
beloved test cricket. And the play is interspersed with many
theatrical delights such as the crowd catching balls with
fishing nets (yep, believe it) and cheesy but friendly
messages to other people in the crowd on the electronic
scoreboard- one read: "Will you marry me Mary Lou?". Did you
know that no ball is struck more than once? Nope, a new ball
is issued every time. And did you know that if you catch the
ball from in the crowd, you get to keep it?
The thing that was most fascinating about the Ball game
(that's what the locals call it) was the sale of junk food
at the park. Everything was a standard $4. Coke, Nuts,
Cracker Jacks, Hotdogs, Icecream- you name it. The
distributors of these condiments were very skilled
practitioners and often stole the limelight away from the
overpaid Ball players. The paragon of these activities would
have had to have been the peanut sellers.
They would yell, "PEONURTS", in their thick Bronxian
accents. People would then put their hand up, signalling a
"buy" of that particular item. I would look back and see the
buyer was about the 320 rows back in the stadium. "Sheite!"
I thought. That poor peanuteer is going to walk aloooooong
way- "VOOM!". The peanuteer had picthed the bag faster than
Carlos Sanchez (fictional fast baseball pitcher- sounded
like a good name for a pitcher). The 1 kg bag had flown over
my head and straight into the hands of buyer. As the guy
started walking up to collect his money, people were passing
it down to him. 320 rows done in 2 minutes.
After the ball game we headed to Mikey D's (American for
MacDonald's) just up the road from the Yankee's stadium. Being
near such an illustrious stadium and home of the best
baseball team in the world, you'd think that you are pretty
safe, right? Wrong. We were right in the middle of the
Bronx. The place is infamous for its questionable social
interaction practices, ie, shooting each other, drug dealing
and looting.
The place is so bad now that cab drivers have stopped coming
into the area. The impetuous for this was the killing of two
drivers a couple of weeks before we where there. Did we fear
for our lives? Nope. It's kind of funny, but when you in
that situation, you sort of feel like you want to test the
limits- almost try and get yourself in trouble with one of
(bad) elements. You think to yourself, "Pff. It can't be as
bad as all the press and stories make out." Lucky for me, no
one came forward. My ego tells me that it was because I am
extremely tough, but in reality it was probably more like
they felt sorry for me.
The other interesting thing about our trip to McDonalds was
the size of their meals. I ordered a small Big Mac meal
(obviously) and the size of it was massive. To give some
idea, the Coke was almost a litre in size. I actually
laughed at the service attendant because I thought she was
joking- either that or she misheard my order. Nope. She was
serious and was actually a little offended by my laughing.
After the ball games we headed south to Central Park and
laid in the sun and observed some of the American culture
firsthand: friendly baseball games, kite flying, Gridiron
throwing contests and a strong inclination to read in the
sun. Central park is massive, in fact, larger than the size
of Monaco, and you'd swear that it was completely natural,
but indeed all the grounds have been artificially
landscaped.
>From Central park we headed toward Times Square where I
went and looked at that the Morgan Stanley building on
Broadway. Interesting fact: Broadway, originating from Lower
Manhattan at Bowling Green and ending in Albany, is one of
the world's longest streets at 150 mi (241 km). The official
name of this street is Highway 9.
As the sun started setting we headed back to have dinner
with Erin, her brother, and Gerry down in Greenwich village.
Gerry's apartment is quite special. Formerly lived in by
Allan Ginsberg, one of the founding father along with Jack
Kerouac of the beat generation. His first published work,
Howl (1956), sparked the so called San Francisco Renaissance
and defined the generation of the '50s. (The Ginsberg bio is
very interesting and worth a read.)
Early Monday morning we headed down to Wall Street and the
NYSE. A narrow street in the lower part of Manhattan island,
New York City, extending east from Broadway to the East
River. It is the centre of the greatest financial district
in the world. In the district, which extends several blocks
N and S of Wall St., are the New York and the American Stock
Exchanges as well as commodity exchanges and the homes of
numerous commercial and investment banks, and Wall St. law
firms. Federal Hall National Memorial (see National Parks
and Monuments, table), one block east, was erected on the
site of the former Federal Hall, where George Washington was
inaugurated in 1789 and where the first Congress met.
Interestingly, Wall St. received its name from a stockade,
or wall, built in 1653 by Dutch colonists to protect the
settled area south of it from assault by the English and by
the native population.
After Wall Street we head off to see the Tall Concrete Chick
(Statue of Liberty). By fluke we hopped onto the FREE (woo
hoo!) ferry that goes to Staten Island. It didn't get us to
the Statue but it did get us a ride past it well enough for
us to take some photos. The island was so overrun by
tourists that it was good we didn't go in end. I have say,
the statue is a little disappointing. It was no where near
the size that I though it would, in fact I think that it is
only about 12 stories high. Still quite big for a statue, I
guess, but not what expected.
After the Statue of Liberty we headed to World Trade Centre
to meet up with Robs for a farewell drink. 107 floors later,
the vertigo started rearing its ugly head. (I'm really sick
and tired of these latent anxieties that are creeping into
my life- I need a new shrink.) Anyway, up on the 107th floor
in a bar called "The Greatest Bar on Earth", sipping $7
cokes, we had the best view in NYC. Overlooking the whole of
Manhattan, Joisy to the left, Staten Island and Brooklyn to
the right and the Statue of Liberty to the South. The view
from the top is awesome, and thoroughly recommend a trip up
to the top.
<For reference: there are two buildings, one that you have
to pay to get to the top, the other you don't but are
expected to buy at least a drink and it is one floor lower
down.>
Our tip to NYC was nearing its end so Rhys and I headed back
up to Erin's to grab a bite to eat and pack our bags. After
an awesome Deli lunch we trupsed (SA for walked) back up to
the grimy Olympia bus and headed off, bidding NY a teary
farewell.
In true Arnie fashion, one thing is for sure, : "I'll be
back". ;)
Some New Yorker parlance to get you by....
- Coib: Kerb, or edge of the sidewalk - don't stand too
close.
- Dijuh: Did you?
- Dizzy, ditz: scatterbrained
- Doity: dirty
- Earl: oil, as in 'earl & vinegar' dressing
- Hoid: heard
- Jever: Did you ever?
- Joisy: Jersey as in New Jersey
- Kvetch: complain
- Lex: Lexington Avenue
- New York's Finest: policemen
- Schmeer: a bagel with cream cheese
- Fugheddaboutid: Forget about it
Crowded Cities Guide.
This is a personal website intended for Justin, his friends and family.