First Edition

20 August, 1999

Well as you all know I am in London.  Below I have written a one-sided dialogue (unusual for me) on just how "great" London is, which I call it the London Conspiracy.

For some reason, over the years, there has been an awful amount of lying from my South African compatriots.  They (varisty friends mainly) have been claiming that London is the immigratory mecca, and that we, for economic nirvana, (pardon the religious disparity) must make the pilgrimage.  Well, I disagree.  And hence the conspiracy...

Life in London is very different to what I have experienced before (what a revelation!!).  South Africa has positive people, sun, beaches and space. Australia (where I lived a large portion of my life) is much the same, except for the people (they are cheery but not as driven). 

London is very different to these.  What with the tubes (that are dark grey), the grey buildings, the grey sky, grey roads...London is, well, very grey. Thank Bill Gates for the buses- they're red. 

As far as London's good qualities go, they are quite small in number for a young westernized tech-loving male like myself. I don't live much for tradition or royalty.  I don't care much for traditional architecture either, and these are the cultural "strengths" that London is known for. 

Don't come here if you like beautiful countries either. England is flat and, as I said earlier, grey.  Oh sure, there are plenty of green fields once you get out of London, but after while, they become so monotone that they may as well be grey.  And yes, sure, Scotland, Wales and Ireland are really beautiful, but somehow these neighbouring countries managed to inherit all the regions good genes, leaving poor old England at the bottom of Europe's gene pool. 

...Oh gee, I was meant to be talking about the strengths of England...yes, well, there are some (two)... 

First, there is no doubting that England is the "western" (english, whatever you like) hub for travelling.  By this I mean, it allows English speaking people to use it as a base for travelling around Europe.  (They come here first, either to work and earn money to travel or as a stopover.)  Thus, for the people that can get job, it is a really nice place to travel... 

This brings me to jobs.  Another lie perpetrated by my compatriots is that jobs are easy to find- mmm. Well, I'm here to tell you that it is not as simple as that.  If you have no experience, this is THE hardest place to get a job.  The truth is, you need at least a years (preferably two) experience to get a good job.  Take me for example: I had basically no experience in investment banking and as a result was not even getting interviews/proposed for jobs.  The only reason I got the opportunity is because one of the Recruiters stuck his neck out and asked a guy at Goldman Sachs to "give" me an interview. He was impressed (obviously- hehe) and eventually, after the rigorous Goldamn interview process (8 interviews!) I got the job which I later declined as I was offered the MS job first.  The only reason I got the MS interview is because they were looking for a finance background with technical skills. Now, anyone with reasonable technical experience wouldn't be earning what I am getting (you could probably triple it!!) so they didn't have a large pool of candidates, so I got the interview, they liked me and hey presto.  I have and am doing a good job which my employers are happy about, but my point is I was very lucky to even get the interviews... 

...Anyway, the second good thing about England is the strength of its currency.  The pound, by the way, is the most overvalued currency in the world- (which means it is very strong, for my less economically inclined friends).  The beauty of this, is that myself and my antipodean counterparts can traverse to London and earn our riches while getting the highly regarded "London" experience.  For these reasons, London is a worthwhile place to come to and hence the reasons for my being here.  It is not, however, the Nirvana-on-earth that has been made out by my truth stretching friends in South Africa. 

For my South African friends, the tubes are also quite a positive, for as you know, the only thing "public" (free) about our transport back there are the burnt fuel emissions that occasionally fill our lungs!! 

Don't ask the English about the tubes, though- you'll get whined to death...This leads me to another problem with England: Poms are genetically programmed to whine.  A bit like the first amphibians that spent so much time out of water that they eventually grew legs and were able to breath air, the Poms, through the ages of incesant whining, are, as a "sub race", born with a high propensity to whine. 

But in their defence, and as you would have probably guessed by my less than impressive description of the place, they have good reason to not be entirely happy.  I mean, If I had to live here for more than a few years I would have to whine a great deal as well (unless I was getting paid exorbitant amounts of money- but hey, who ever said I was money driven?!). 

Food: I love food, so it is only appropriate that I tell you some food facts. Orange juice: R7 for 250 ml. What a rip-off. It makes no sense to me. Even if you don't have your own oranges you do have the strongest currency in the world to buy it with?!?  Der.  Most food stuffs are quite reasonably priced. I could (but don't) live off £20 easily, which is very good.  I, however, eat the majority of my meals at Morgan Stanley. Oh, and what a painful experience this is...Roast with desert and drink a whopping £1.80!!  You normally cannot get a sandwich for under £2...Yet another paradox: groceries are cheap, but as soon as you get someone to make the food for you it becomes expensive. This I can understand. London has the highest Labour Cost (in real terms) of any city in the world. 

Manners?  The Poms have no manners.  To think that this country was the birth of etiquette! I want to commend you South Africans- you have excellent manners (except for you Craig Lewis). You don't understand how much you appreciate well mannered people until you have had a stay over in London! 

My House?  Well, this is some good news. I have just moved into a beautiful house in Wimbledon Park with some really nice chaps. Prior to this, however, I spent 9 weeks on the floor!!  Yes you read right, Justin "anal-retentive-perfectionist" Spratt spent NINE weeks on the floor!

 Anyway, stop worrying about my mental state, I'm fine.  My new place is really cool.  I live in the attic with views of nothing in Sydney terms, a little in SA terms and absolutely everything in London terms.  Basically I can see trees!  Being upstairs too, is great for me.  I am known to be difficult to live with ("Noooo, really?" I hear you sarcastically say) and get irritated easily, so this will no doubt be a God-send as time goes on. 

Work? "What is it exactly that he does?"...mmm, good question.  I work in a division of an investment bank named Morgan Stanley.  The company is considered to be one of the elite "big three" (Goldman Sachs, Merrill Lynch, being the other two- and some include JP Morgan) global investment banks. 

I work within the Cash Management department which is a sub unit of the Corporate Treasury business unit of the bank.  Basically, our department makes sure that the company has enough money to do its trades. Specifically, I open client and firm accounts internationally and facilitate the bank and book reconciliation process, ensuring that the "recs" are getting to various operational departments.  The job description isn't glamorous, but it is an excellent starting point.  It allows me to learn about the whole investment banking process from client services, through to booking the various trades. This should allow me to see exactly where in investment banking I want to be (there are 12 different business units) and whether I want to be in Investment Banking at all! 

A Week in the Life of...A week for me goes something like this: I get up around 6am each morning (sometimes 5:30 if I have to been on the "early" shift).  I get changed in about 10 minutes and walk to the tube station (another 5 minutes).  I get my trains to work, which in total take 45 minutes (When I was living in North London it was 1 hour 15 minutes each way!).  I get to work at either 7am or as late as 7:30 am.  I work until about 7:30 pm everyday and take about a half hour lunch max (quite often I sit at my desk and eat- they encourage us to do this as they can squeeze more productivity out us, i.e., work while we eat!)...I end up getting home at about 8:30/9pm.  I eat, iron a shirt, wash the dishes (my flat mates do the cooking because I get home too late so I compromise and wash), shower and go to sleep at about 11pm...then Friday comes and I usually have a drink with mates at a boat on the Thames called the Queen Mary.   I always plan to "have such a big one" but end up being so tired I have 2 drinks and go home and sleep.  My exhaustion from the work week catches up and usually can't get out bed until about 10am on the Saturday.  When I do finally wake, I go see friends and go out later that night to a pub.  Sunday is also for catching up on sleep so that one can be energised for the coming week, but this never happens because the weekend is too short.  It's a trade-off you see: sleep your weekend away and be strong for the upcoming week OR have a weekend and be continually tired- hey, but at least you had a little fun!...Sunday night is a nice quite time, spent bonding with the flat mates while cooking dinner and doing chores. Usually get to sleep about 11pm.  Wake at 5:30 am the next morning and do it all again.... 

Not exactly an exhilarating life, but for the time being it serves my purpose.  I will work like this until early Feb and then head back to SA for a holiday (2 weeks).  By that time I will know what Morgan Stanley has planned for me (if anything at all!?!).  

Well, that's about it from me.  I hope you have enjoyed the live and exclusive expose' on London, despite my less than positive attitude. What you people must realise is that South Africa and Australia are really beautiful countries and you have to be grateful for that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't say to myself: "How do they live like this?..geez, I was really lucky".  I must say too, however, that my judgment is clouded by the all the great people that I have left behind in SA and Oz.