Third Edition- Vendi, Vidi, Vici

I came, I saw, I conquered. Well, not exactly, but I am conquering- or at least, getting used to London. That is theme of this London Expose'.

Like anything in life, if exposed to it enough the human being manages to accept it as the norm. This is what occurs for people, like myself, who have had the good life and now live in Greyville (aka London). Couple that with the fact life in London is so frenetic that you just end up getting into automatic overdrive and months begin to pass at warp speed. Remember Y2K? Seems like yesterday, hey? Ha, try 3 months!

There is just no time to rest, especially here in the Land of Great Smog. You work such long hours, come home and shove food down so you have enough time to digest it before you go to sleep, iron a shirt, and try and cram in some sport sometime during the week, that by the time you get to the weekend all you want to do is sleep...the whole weekend. But hey! Hang on! You need a release, something to let off a bit of steam. Thus, you organize a get together with your buddies and then all of sudden, before you know it, you are letting off enough steam to power a small train (aka partying very hard).

Right, you have let off steam, but wait! You still haven't slept. Ah, yes! That stuff that allows your body to heal from the rigors of the previous week. Not to mention the fact that you have invested R300 in Burger King's bottom line over the weekend, exacerbating the amount of toxins that already permeate your body.

The result: one lean (malnourished), mean (tired) unhealthy poor excuse for a human being. That's us Londonites.

Seriously, it is crazy here. I know the people who read this out of London will be objecting saying, "that's life for everyone", but I would counter that with argument that outside of here you have what's called the "lifestyle effect". The fact that you can have a braai on the weekends with family and friends, drink water straight from the taps, eat fresh fruit and real meat, breath fresh air, the fact that you can drive to the coast...arh, the fact that you can drive! (Robyn- no comment from you please.) The tube network here is unarguably very good in that it can place you anywhere you want in London BUT the fact that it fails on at least one part of your journey, at least every other day, more than counters the benefits that it provides.

Personally my life has changed. Since coming back from South Africa and Oz it has been all guns a blazin' and going well (touch wood or Craig Lewis' head).

I have taken up Tae Kwon Do again, after many years- for those who don't know, it is a Martial Art like Karate. This has definitely contributed to my sanity, giving me not only physical fitness, but a peace of mind...and come to think of it, a release of steam that doesn't involve consuming pricey alcoholic beverages. On top of this, I still manage to get the gym regularly on the days I don't train.

Consequently my work hours have diminished relative to my sporting pursuits and am currently doing just over 50 hrs a week.

As for travelling, well I still haven't managed to do any of Europe (yet), but did manage to get to Cambridge for the weekend about two weeks ago. Was really nice. We went punting along the River Cam- very pretty and (potentially) romantic. There was a team of about 15 of us and a good time was had by all. Our sub group went on a 2 hour guided walking tour.

My tip: Don't go on the walk tour (Sorry, Cand's). Way too long, sore legs and irrelevant facts. For example, the two facts that I remember: One, the water pump was last used in 1868, and two, Trinity College has 13 gardeners. Yeah, you see what I mean. Mind you, it didn't help that we had this senile, old, ex-Nazi as our tour guide that felt the need to exude facts (many pointless) at a rate quicker than Brad Pitt's ability to pull women. Add that to the fact that we could have engaged in what economists called "negative externalities" (fancy word for freeloading), and not have paid the R60 (£6), but rather just have followed the group- but that's the student mentality in me coming out again...naughty!

I suggest you do the bus trip or the tour along the River Cam, although learning how to punt is something fun that you won't be able to do if being "guided" along the river, so, come to think of it, rather do the bus tour.

As for the nightlife, we shouldn't have expected much as the inhabitants of Cambridge are a notoriously nerdy bunch (seriously, if you are bright and want to party, the recommendation is Oxford). Needless to say that we were the "life of the party...of the town".

To start, we decided to congregate at a pub called the Anchor, nestled between the main road in Cambridge and the River Cam. After "adding life" to the town we headed back to the youth hostel where we became the "life of the youth hostel", which fellow hostelee's unfortunately wanted to end. After being berated by an inbred looking chap (looked not unlike Craig "Stool" Maurer) and inbred looking woman (not unlike Stool's ex-girlfriend) we decided to quite down.

In all, a very pretty town that I thoroughly recommend going to.

This last weekend was the Oxford Cambridge boat race along the Thames. Was an excellent event- or so I have been told. Seriously, the event is a little bit of a farce. People go there intending on watching, but they end up getting so inebriated that they either forget to look or cannot see past about 1.5 meters- preventing them from looking (if for some strange reason they remembered to do so). Of the 40 odd people that I knew there, none that I have spoken to remember seeing the race. Go figure.

I, however, managed to jump (perhaps stumbled?) up on a railing and saw about 10 seconds of the race, but in doing so managed to incite the well positioned crowd behind me into a vicious verbal attack. Mmm, sorry.

This coming weekend we have a boat trip planned along the Thames. Organized by some South African girls from Martizburg varsity, which should be a good event. The last event they organized was a double-decker bus, pub crawl- started at Putney, went to a pub near Chelsea bridge (potentially quite romantic), then another pub (can't remember what it was called or where it was) and then ended up in a club near Oxford Street (called The Office...I think?). It was an awesome night. Just imagine- a bunch of overworked, vitamin A + D deficient South African's (and one half-breed Ozzie) letting off steam over a period of 7 hours in a double-decker red bus. Scary!

My plans for this year are to make no plans for this year. My only parameter for this year is to have fun. This lack of planning, undeniably not like Spratt, is a result of a chain of events that occurred toward the end of last year which allowed me to put many things into perspective. The detail of these events are irrelevant apart from the fact that I am now officially available for travel- friends take note!!

As for work, I turned down a permanent position recently at Morgan Stanley directly because of my "plan for no plans". Career wise, this was probably not the best choice, but I have managed to keep my contract going with them and now have 9 months experience with their Treasury unit which will put me in good stead for a future job irrespective.

Oh, yes. I recently managed to negotiate a pay rise (yippee), which was great, but unfortunately (wince) the wonderful governing institution of Great Britain has managed to totally nullify any gains with the introduction of the new IR35 rule. Basically the IR35 is a tax aimed at contract workers, forcing us to pay more money to the inept, inefficient, government- expected to raise up to £900 million.

Like all good governments these pseudo lefties (Blair & Co.) have produced the paragon of stupid ideas in the form of this IR35. Why? Well, IT contractors (who earn the ludicrous money, hold much of the bargaining power due to lack of supply, and who the IR35 is aimed at) will pass these increases on to employers through higher rates, effectively putting a further burden on the corporations that foster a society's well being, while the pee-ons like me, outside of the IT realm (who have zero bargaining power and who earn far less), will thus suffer the remaining effects of this Machiavellian tax. The logic? There isn't any, which is why they are politicians. Maybe I should make a move into IT...mmm, I would at least be putting my MCSE to use. Something to think about.

Home-wise life is going great. We had quite a few dossers- at one point 11 people in a house for 6! But thankfully they have managed to get themselves set up and now we only have two (admittedly the most terrible) left- Trevor "I steal women's underwear" Ter Wolbeck and Ryan "Porky Procky" Proksch. Hopefully they will go soon as none of us can stand them...only joking boys. We also have a new addition to the 2 Strathmore fold, Lynton Hoch, another Hilton-come-Maritzburgian (yeah, I know- not another one!), who has fitted in well, bringing laughter with his comments about beans. (What are they? You will have to ask him- hehe.)

An interesting phenomenon I'd like to touch on in this issue of the London Expose': Durban has moved to Southfields. (A suburb just up from Wimbledon on the District line, for those who don't know.) I am almost 100% sure. Why? All of my friends from Durban are now living there- all except Aidan and Brian (we miss you guys). Literally, EVERYONE is living Southfields. This makes my life easier for me as I now have Durban on my doorstep (barring the glorious ocean). Hey, even my parochial (euphemism for narrow minded..hehe) friend Richard is here. Those who know Bitchard will understand the magnitude of this event. Imagine this: A person who calls himself a surfer, lives ten minutes from the beach, hasn't surfed in two years, but somehow gets himself to London- go figure!? Whatever the motivation, it's excellent having him here.

As far as experiencing some of the English tradition, I still haven't managed to see any galleries or do any tours of London, but you will be happy to know that I was exposed to a little British politics last week. I was invited by some esteemed colleagues to an economics lecture at the IEA (Institute for Economic Affairs). This was interesting, not because of the lecture I went to (I can just hear the moans of boredom), but rather the fact that the IEA was the seed for Thatcher's political policies and is the venue for many great economic symposiums. Great economists such as Keynes, Freidman and Sammuelson have given lectures there. The lecture I attended was full of eminent people- politicians and Lords. Basically a bunch of IQ bright, morally amorphous, pompous, men that can never ever get to the point. Still, a nice little bit of intellectual stimulus nonetheless.

After the lecture, a friend from work (I went with 2 colleagues) took us to one of the very elite clubs here near St. James's Park, London for dinner. The East India Club. Ever heard of it? Well, neither had I, or not the club at least. Interestingly, the East India Shipping Company was the first ever trading company, and with it came the birth of international trade. In fact, this company basically had a monopoly on world trade for early part of the 17th century.

Anyway, members include "The Establishment" (royals, politicians, and other “toffs”- London vernacular for toffee noses) and all the public school boys. (In the UK public schools are the Hilton colleges.) The experience was great. The menus contained big long names that I couldn't read, let alone pronounce and no prices were accompanying. I put my phone and wallet on the table to which I received a reply from my friend, "that is probably not the done thing". Mmm, obviously not part of the East India etiquette, so I stowed them. So fancy it was, that it had one of those table settings that involve 232 items of cutlery, 16 different glasses and 9 different plates (slight exaggeration, but go with me on it). Napkins were placed on our laps- apparently rich people can't do this for themselves- and all our meat was carved in front of us. After our sumptuous dinner, up to the Smoking Room we went to smoke big fat £15 Havana's and drink Courvossier brandy, and if so inclined, play some chess. Prerequisite: Speak softly, but laugh pompously loud every 15 minutes or so ("ruh, ruh, ruh"). Again, intensely pretentious, but a rich (pardon the pun) experience.

As for the weather, we have been blessed of late. The last five weeks have been excellent with the weekends providing plentiful sunshine. The black mark being this last weekend for the Oxbridge boat race where there were intermittent showers. We have just put our clocks forward due to daylight savings so the days are getting longer. Holding thumbs for a good summer!

Anyway loved ones, I must be off. Life in London is not so bad after all (only took me 8 months to get used to it, but anyway!) and with future trips planned to see Rhys in Iceland, company trip to Amsterdam, surf trip with Grog and Co. to Portugal and Spain, a weekend in Italy and France, life can only get better. Oh, and my Mom in April and Sisters in July will mean I have my family too! (And hopefully Smokey can make it over as well- for those who know, imagine: My Dad in London. I'd be scared if I were the Poms!!)

Remember as easy as it gets here (which is doesn't, you just get used to it), life in SA and Oz is still way, way better.

In line with my Italian "passporti" (passport) and the fact that it allows me to be in London and travel Europe at convenience:

Arrivederci ha amato la gente (Good bye loved people)