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The London Soapbox \ Edition \ One \\ 10 November 2001. \Well, as \ you can see we, the editorial team, have changed the name \ of the venerable and much esteemed \'91The London \ Expose' to \'92The \ London Soapbox\'92. \ This is basically our stab at marketing. Can't be too hard, \ its only marketing after all. \The \ impetus for this makeover is due to research that came to \ hand, that to be frank, I didnt really understand \I account \ for this by there being only so much one can expose in place \ so one dimensional that it makes the Mr. Men characters look \ like a tome of children's literature. The \ raison d'tre of this cutting edge literary piece will remain \ intact. It will still be the forerunner of cutting \ edge anthropological exposition. It will still be the leader in \ tongue-in cheek prose written for really, really, really smart people; and delivered to \ your electronic doors. The only thing that will change is \ its name. And like all good marketers, I will expect this \ simple name change to increase readership by a gatesillion \ percent. \This last \ quarter has presented our team of "journalists" with some \ interesting, insightful and just down right funny happenings. We had the non-starter \ British elections - William who?; The foot-in-mouth disease; \ Mad cow disease; the English lost the \ European Football cup (again - yawn); they lost the Ashes \ to Australia; Australia then came from \ behind to beat them in the Lions Rugby series; Rafter made \ it to final and Henman didn't; hospital waiting times are \ up; the tubes delays still exist and are getting worse. But \ hey, the good news out weighing all of this is that \ Microsoft won its case at the Appeals Court. "Yippee!" I \ hear you all say. Well, I agree. I guess you could say \ thank the Bill Gates that Bill Gates won. \In this \ edition we take an extremely scientific look at the stereotypical Geeza \ and his compulsory fashion item, the Slapper. We also look at \ the English non-cuisine, the Paragon of Purchasing (Camden), \ the Politics, Weather Reports, Big \ Brother and the Line of Least Resistance. \We have \ also had some "journalists" on frightfully rough \ assignments in Prague, Ireland, France, Brussels and \ Stockholm who will be recounting their torrid time. Their \ story? It\'92s not London. Nuff said. \London as \ always has presented its inhabitants with the usual \ tribulations. I'm bored of relating those and "all" of you are \ probably sick of hearing about them. London is about a lot more than this, so I am going \ to make an effort to share this other side with you- as \ always, in pursuit of balanced and objective point of view \ (removing tongue from cheek). \\ \ Paragon of Purchasing? \Did you \ know that London is capital of sadomasochistic apparel? \ Well, it is, and you heard it here - another first. The epicenter of \ this merchandising is a place called Camden Markets. But you shouldn't judge Camden by its \ infamous reputation for weird \ clothing. More than that, it offers a rich tapestry of body \ ornaments, body piercing corner stores, foot (anti)fashion, \ food so bad you could be mistaken for thinking it is \ actually building product, recycled clothing, sex toys and \ "antique" furniture. \Walk down \ the Camden high street and you will see all of this. You \ will also see the people that frequent this...geographical pimple. The inhabitants are those with \ parrot heads (multi colored dreadlocks) and heads that \ appear to be receptacles for sharp, ornate instruments. And \ too, the visitors - people who come to buy the \ "merchandise"- like our journalists (me). \One thing \ that has to be said for Camden is that there is no better \ place to witness the female proclivity for "shopping" <male \ translation: looking at loads of stuff and buying almost \ nothing>. So excited the lovely ladies get that they forget \ to buy these things that, and I quote: "(they) absolutely \ need." Such diversity and range for them to choose from, it \ becomes a bit like that the 10-year-old-xmas-day affect, \ when all you want to do is open your presents. You don't \ really care what they are, you more often than not don't \ need them, but hey, shit, you gotta open those pressies. In \ the same vein, the girls have to view all of the 17,984 \ stalls. But that\'92s not all folks, each item in that myriad \ of shops also has to be not only viewed, but TRIED ON!! \\ <Editors tip to the male readership: worth going, but don't \ EVER- I repeat, EVER- go with chicks. And if for some \ sadistic reason they force you, then implement the, "I'll \ meet up with you just now, but if we get lost we can phone" \ strategy, followed by gravitating your index finger to the \ "off" button on your mobile phone and applying some \ pressure. Then run for your life. If one does get stuck \ with the female specie shopping, then immediately look for a \ sharp instrument to impale oneself on.> \\ \ Politics \The \ politics here in the UK is farcical. Politics is normally \ boring for most, but I assure you, the last election here in \ the Land of the Great Smog set new limits by scrapping a \ fresh layer off the bottom of the proverbial Boring \ Barrel. \We had one \ guy (the winner) Tony Blair (its funny how you can get liar \ out of his name), head of the socialist commie scum, \ pontificating "center-left" (euphuism for confused) \ policies. The hilarious thing about this guy is that his \ government's record is bad. Very bad. Hospital waiting \ times are longer, there is more crime, less police, less \ teachers and the public transport system is in shambles \ (rail disasters and tube delays are up significantly). \ Fact: London is the only nation with a subway system that \ fails the international standard of being within 2% of your \ scheduled arrival times- The tube? It fails to arrive on \ time more than 10% of the time. Ha, and there are also \ reports recently that the UK doesn't have enough large \ planes to carry their armed forces to battle if the case \ arose- they actually had to borrow the US's in the latest \ Balkans conflict. \Then on \ the other side we had William Hague. "William who?" I here \ you ask. Well, I don't blame you. He had about as much \ charisma as wet blanket. This guy was blessed with a \ terribly irritating voice that sounds like he is about to \ burst into tears any second and high propensity for his \ sebaceous glands in his head to reject his hair (he is \ bald). (It is here that I must point out an interesting \ observation: VERY few political leaders are bald. I \ challenge you to think of one.) Anyway, this Hague fellow \ built his whole campaign on Euro-skepticism. Well I \ don't know about you thousands of readers out there, but I think even the Neanderthal \ elements of this population here require a slightly more \ substantive set of policies than that. \In \ summary, Blair had ministers sacked for corruption and the \ foot and (in) mouth indaba throughout the campaign and still \ managed to win by donkey's dick (long way). \\ \ \ The Current Bun \Speaking \ of The Current Bun (cockney for The Sun newspaper), the headline for \ this extremely thought provoking paper today was: "2 \ Days for Sex". As per usual, this headline took up \ 2/3's of the paper's front page and the article a mere 4 \ lines. The reason for this headline? Well, its \ Big Brother of course. The TV program that puts a \ bunch of social degenerate superstar wannabes in a house and \ locks them away for nine weeks. The only contact they \ have with the outside world is through a TV camera and a \ voice. Yep, that's Big Brother. \The whole \ nation then proceeds to arrange and rearrange their lives \ around this poor excuse for entertainment. Every \ Monday and Thursday night are booked. Transfixed to \ the TV as they engage in the Big Brother voyeurism. \ The headline? Well, that was because one of two people \ who had been trying to get it on for much of the nine weeks \ was about to be evicted. Yes! I know! How \ exciting! NOT (sitting here slamming head against \ desk). You got to take a look at yourself when your \ social calendar is dictated by such rubbish...surely. \\ 2 \ Strathmore (The Abode) \Once \ again, we had some of the residents of 2 Strathmore move out \ of the editorial digs. Snatch \ decided to leave to seek greener pastures. I know, futile really. 2 Strathmore is Utopia, silly. As day follows \ night, the only thing Snatch found was a wasteland that was \ even more depressing than Gordon Brown being born. Homeless, he is now \ looking for a new abode. Ah, well. \ \The \ current dosser is Trevor Grandpa Ter Wolbeek. A nice chap, \ he shows tremendous capacity to withstand abuse. (It's \ the way I bond, you see.) Couple that with my snoring (he \ is sharing the President's room) and Bitchard's \ ability to vacate rooms with a single muscular reflex, he \ really is doing well. \\ \ \ Its Official... \London's \ tubes are officially the worst of any major city in the \ world. Apparently the acceptable failure rate is about 2%. \ London Underground is sporting a spanking 10%! The one \ line, called the Jubilee Line which has opened only just \ over a year ago has a failure rate of 12%. The irony with \ this new stretch of underground is that it is the newest \ line, costing some \'a33 billion pounds, double it was meant \ too. The private companies which invested in this line (one \ of which is the company I work "part-time" for, Morgan \ Stanley) are seeking compensation for their investment \ citing that requisite levels of service promised have not \ been met. \\ \ \ Line of Least Resistance \More \ importantly from a cultural point of view, these things are \ major source of stress for Londoners. Failure of services \ is the cause of what I call the Line of Least Resistance \ syndrome. What is this you ask? Well, due to the \ repetitive nature of the London Rat Race, its inhabitants begin to look for ways in which they \ can decrease the time spent in living purgatory. They seek \ efficiency. They seek the Line of Least Resistance. In \ doing so they become absolutely zealous about getting to and \ from work in the most efficient way possible: from using the right tube turnstile, to walking \ down the right side of the stairs, moving up the platform to \ the carriage that is going to drop you off at the place \ closet to the most efficient exit, right through to walking \ right angles once up at street level so that you reach your \ place of work in the absolute smallest amount of time. The \ stress, you ask? Well along with this zealous pursuit of \ all things efficient is the commensurate zeal about having \ that science disrupted. \I admit, I \ am guilty of LLR syndrome. The other day, I found myself \ walking up the platform and became enraged that someone had \ not thought ahead and knew which way to get off the tube. \ In doing so, the man caused me to alter my LLR and in doing \ so, upset my circadian rhythm. Instantly I was gripped by \ extreme rage. I started going through, in my mind, how I \ would hit him, kill him and then dispose of his body. (It \ was a knife strike to the throat, followed by back spinning \ heel kick to the temple and then stashing him in the \ asbestos restricted room in the tube station...by the way.) \Other more \ common examples are that of people who stop on a busy \ platform for no apparent reason (other than to piss me off, \ of course); people who like to invade your limited personal \ space on tube by resting their armpit on your face; people \ getting to the turnstile and realizing that do not have \ their travel pass ready to insert into the machine that \ allows all the hordes of zealots spew into the tube \ system...do I come across as if I have something against the \ tubes? Good, I hope so. \They talk \ about Road rage. That is nothing on Tube rage. In fact, I \ have decided to leave my highly paid editorial job as well \ as my part time job at Morgan Stanley to study \ psychotherapy. Which line, you ask? Tubatherpay. Put your \ names down. There is long queue. And you think I joke! \Fact: The \ cloud depression that blankets London each year for about 6 \ to 8 months is caused by the weather and the tube stress. \Another \ funny thing is the new policy that the Mayor of London Ken \ "The Commie" Livingston wants to introduce: tolls for \ driving into London. Yep, us Londoners are stuffed \ either way. If we choose to use the \ decrepit public transport with have to contend with LLR and \ become skilled practitioners in Tae Kwon Tube (for those not \ regular readers, an ancient martial art to help one \ negotiate safe passage through the Underground) and if we \ choose to use our own cars, we get hit with a \'a35 toll. Go \ figure. \\ The \ Innits \The \ Geeza: this is the stereotypical English male from the East \ end of London. He is brash, crude and fiery. Soccer is his \ religion. Beer are his vitamins. \His \ recreational activities include watching the soccer either \ on TV or if lucky enough, at the game. Tickets to these \ cultural pursuits, if you can get one, are anything from \'a320 \ to \'a360- that's just for the standard games...obviously the \ scalpers get a lot more for the big ticket games. He will \ ensure that he is sufficiently inebriated before arriving at \ the game and then after will complete the days mission of \ getting entirely snot-flying-drunk. \You will \ notice that when they talk about the soccer they will talk \ about their teams and its players as if they are the team \ and players. For example, I heard a Geeza talking the other \ day: "ahh, yeah, I fink we got a good chance of smacking dem \ reds". Interpreted, he thinks that he will beat Manchester \ United. Now he doesn't play. The only goal shooting he is \ going to be doing is making sure he "shoots" passed his \ Saturday night goal of drinking 15 pints of some lager. Now \ this kind of talk is totally understandable if you compare \ it to a religious talk: "we will unite together to fight the \ evil"...and thus, you begin to understand. \They are \ said to speak English, but this is long debated fact. A \ beer is called a Uri, Winnie or Sherbet. Not sure about the \ latter, but the first two I believe rhyme with Stella (as in \ Stella Atrois- type of beer). If you get a new suit, \ they'll say, "nice whistle"- for whistle and flute: suit. \ Strangely, the word for awesome and crap are the same word: \ Bollocks- speak loads, doesn't it? For example, the best of \ something is always called the "dogs bollocks" (recently \ morphed into "the dogs" (as in dogs dangleys) and "the \ nuts"). And then on the other hand the, if someone is \ talking rubbish, they'll, "booollllocks" (with a drawn out \ "o" and "l"). Go figure. \The Geeza \ is also extremely aggressive, even in the best of times. If \ he is crossed he will lash out with extreme ferocity. \ Having no ability to fight there is not much to \ fear...unless you are confronted by a pack of them. Like \ hyenas and wild dogs, they like to "hunt" in groups. Unable \ to punch in any coordinated manner, they will grab their \ beer bottles by the necks and proceed to use them as a \ weapon. Often they will smash their bottles before \ proceeded with an attack. \He is \ distinguished from his fellow countrymen by his apparel. \ The body of this creature is adorned with a dark blue Adidas \ tracksuit pants (white stripes down center), stark white \ "trainers", a designer Hackett or Polo shirt with the label \ in seriously large letters- the bigger the better \ basically. He spends his time either collecting social \ welfare or working on a building site- preferably both. \The \ Slapper: This is the obligatory appliance for a Geeza. This \ is the person whose name will be tattooed on Geeza's arm and \ the name that be brandished across his dashboard carpet. \ This too, is the reproductive mechanism for future Geezas \ and Slappers. \Adorned in \ white puffy jacket, she too will also wear the requisite \ blue Adidas tracksuit pants (with the white strips down the \ side). She will brush her tightly back in a pony tale, bar \ a small segment that acts the fringe. The fringe is then \ super glued in a loop and stuck to either side of the head. \ While the Geeza wears a gold ring saying "DAD", the Slapper \ will her match he man by wear big hoola-hooped sized gold \ earrings (this apparently aids the mating process). The \ nails are either painted in thick bright Dulux-style paints, \ or as is commonly done ornamental designs. Like the male \ peacock, the more outlandish and bright, the more attractive \ they are to the Geeza. \Like the \ Geeza, the Slapper is also very ferocious, but unlike the \ Geeza, the Slapper is one to be feared. She is deadly. \ Warning: whatever you do, never, ever cross the path of the \ Slapper. She will inflict a barrage that alone will bring \ you to your knees (that\'92s saying something from \ Spratt-the-Mouth), employing every swearword under the sun \ (including the dreaded "c" word) and then some more. Some I \ have never heard of (seriously, I haven\'92t). Beware. \\ \ British Cuisine \If you are \ newcomer to London you will also have learn the culinary \ pursuits of the city. Firstly, like most things British, \ there is nothing notable. Instead, the British have managed \ to acquire the culinary expertise from other countries, \ namely India and China. But in their defense they do it \ damn well. Did you know that best Indian and Chinese \ cuisine is found in the land of the Great Smog? Well, it is, \ and again, you heard it here first. The best is the Indian \ here. \A typical \ English day out to pub will entail a curry and a pint. In \ fact, and English man's toughness is measured by his ability \ to consume the hottest dish possible. Not to be outdone and \ inline with my unhealthy overly competitive nature, I took \ up the challenge. The pinnacle of the English Curry, you \ ask? \The \ Vindaloo. Named after the action and place you have to \ visit: Wind in Indian is Vind and the Loo is where you'll \ be much of the next day as the meal purges your dietary \ system. I tell you what, without a doubt, a good English \ Indian curry will making you do handstands in the shower the \ next day just to get some rear-end relief. Tip: like the \ Nando's ads, put some 10 ply in the fridge for the next day \ ;) \\ \ \ This is a personal website intended for Justin, his friends and family. \ | \ | \